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| I'm scared. I was happy one minute about shopping and europe and California and surfing. Then all of a sudden complete hopelessness and I'm drowning in it barely keeping my head up. Fuck. | | |
| So I have alot of friends who just love to tell me how depressed they've been. My friend Emily for example when she found out about me and what I'd been going through starting telling me about how depressed she had been in sixth grade because none of her friends had been put in the same house (A system that helped divide the students up according to what teachers they had) and how sad she was. But she made new friends and she went on with her life. She didn't have to struggle to get out of bed every morning and she didn't stop loving what she did. And to this day I still don't understand why she says she was depressed. It made me wonder if to her depressed was just a synonym for sadness. It makes me wonder if people can't tell the difference between a regular bout of sadness and depression because they haven never experienced it. Another friend Christine goes on about how horrible her life is. She talks about how her parents hate her and all her friends hate her, and how her coach hates and so on. For all the time I've known her she had overdramatized her life. A few months ago she started talking about how she was cutting herself because her coach was being a bitch and because of one event her life was falling apart. The next day she was herself happy and ok saying that it was just a meltdown. I don't think these people realize just how hard it is to cope with depression. That it isn't just caused by one thing and it isn't that the next day your ok again. It doesn't work that way. There are a series of days where it's hard for me to pull myself out of bed, take a shower, and get dressed. I'll cry for no reason other than I just can't handle my life. Now I have days where all of a sudden it's like someone punched me in the stomach and gripped my heart and won't let go. Suicide takes a hold of my life and the thoughts of not living plague my mind. Not once a year or just when things don't go my way. But for weeks at a time even months and it sucks. Once they can honestly tell me that they felt something like that (And I know not one persons depression is the same as the nexts) then I'll believe them but for now I feel like they don't know the half of what depression is and how hard it is to get rid of. Depression has still hurt my life and probably will till the day I die. | | |
| They're fighting again. It makes me sick to my stomach when they do. Their voices echo off the walls of my house and I can hear them from the opposite side of it. And every time it makes me wonder if one of them is going to storm off and drive away like they use to when I was younger. And it always made me wonder when and if they were coming back. They always did but it scared me then and it scares me now. It always made me wonder if they would get a divorce. And this is going to sound absolutely horrible but I always hoped when I was younger and they would argue that they would get a divorce so it would just stop all the fighting. Does that make me a horrible person? I always wanted to know if they knew that their fighting affected me so much but I'm guessing the answer to that would be no. I also wondered if they ever cared about me or just the idea of the daughter they want to perceive me as. But my parents do perceive me as this perfect daughter or at least they want to. I know I'm not what they want because I'm not skinny enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not normal enough and they let me know this through those stupid little comments they make about my weight, what I eat, how I do in competitions and it's like they want me to know they see me as a failure underneath the surface dispite the fact that they tell all their coworkers about their "perfect" daughter, you know the one they don't have. They push me farther then my limits but they don't care they see the results but they don't see that at least half of the product is their fault. And it hurts. Bad and it always will because I am the one who has to carry the scars with me. Not them, never them. Whatever. xoxoxo M.K. | | |
| I've been telling myself for the past couple of weeks that I need to update this! And so finally I get around to it. I was out sick for a little while and I've just been really busy. Plus I think I might really be going insane. Life is just spinning and spinning and I don't know how to stop it! It's weird because I must be one of the richest girls in my school and I have some of the nicestest stuff. I have a billion designer clothes, shoes, and purses and I have a billion other clothes and 25 pairs of shoes. But I feel so alone. Like the more stuff I have, the more empty and alone I feel. I can laugh, smile, and look like I'm having a good time, but in the end I'm just empty. No amount of self-control can make me feel better, eating or starving, cutting or no cutting it just doesn't make a difference anymore. The "closer" I get to my friends the more paranoid I become about how they feel about me. I'm not the smarest, the prettiest, the funniest, etc. I never will be either and it just sucks because I want to be known for something. I'll just end up fading into the background and withering away. Yeah so that's my spiel for today. So for spring break I'm going to California! I'm really excited because it'll be my first time on the west coast ever! It'll just be me and my mom so it'll be easier to do stuff. We're going to stay in Dana's Point and hit atleast three beaches (Laguna Beach, Newport Beach, and Huntington Beach). I'm going to lear how to surf! My mom doesn't think I can ("Can you swim good enough so that if you fall off you'll be ok") so I'm going to show her! And I'm going to go shopping and make a huge dent in my daddy's bank account (But I do that on a regular basis so it's ok) So I'll update on that as soon as I get more info. I made a to read list for 2009. - Veronika Decides to Die
- My Old Man
- The Worst Thing A Suburban Girl Could Imagine
- A Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing
- The Graduate
- Hamlet
- The Secret Life of Bees
- The 5 People You Meet in Heaven
- Dracula
- Fade
- Ballet Shoes
- Confessions of a Shopaholic
So that's my list and I'm really excited about it! Ok so I really need to work on my persuasive speech (Against Prop. Eight) for English cause it's kinda due tomorrow so I PROMISE to update of Wednesday M.K. <3 | | |
| I know, I know I haven't written in forever! and I really don't have an excuse for it either other than that I'm lazy and I was desperetly attempting to pass my midterms (Successful!). So I'd like to say that I'm getting better, but than again wouldn't everyone. Sometimes I don't know though and that's is what scares me the most. Anyway I've had more good days then bad days which is a good sign. I want to say that I haven't cut myself but that would just be a huge lie. The first it was on accident but when it scarred up I kept picking at it till it bled. The second time was on purpose though, my brother left his pocket knife at home when he went off to college and one day I guess it just happened (that's never really the case is it though?). The weight loss isn't going very well though, it seems as if my parents are sticking food down my throat all the time. My mother made another one of those comments again, the ones where it's an insult wrapped up in a compliment. "Those jeans make you look skinny" yeah real nice. I'll update tomorrow hopefully! (I'm on midwinter) xoxoxo M.K. | | |
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